Dear Jason Collins:

Hey there.

So … anything new?

OK, in all seriousness, I just wanted to send along a quick message in support of your decision to open up about your sexuality. I admire your courage and congratulate you on the sense of liberation you must be feeling. Moreover, I want to do my small part to offset the bigotry, hatred and small-mindedness that undoubtedly will accompany this decision.

Yes, I realize it’s not like getting a call from the president.

But I’ll bet you never figured you’d hear from someone in Pittsburgh, either.

I have to tell you, when I saw “Jason Collins” trending on Twitter, my first thought was “Hmm … what could a journeyman NBA center possibly have done to be trending on a Monday morning?”

In that regard, I’m glad you’re not dead.

Ironically, though, I was perhaps even more surprised by what I did learn a mouse click later — that an NBA player had declared to the world he’s gay.

I kid you not: Reading the headline gave me chills.

You’re obviously a thoughtful fellow, so I take comfort in knowing that you’re smart enough to disregard the hatred and ignorance you’ll be forced to endure. Those of us who believe gay rights are the civil rights issue of our generation are fortunate to have such an eloquent spokesman.

All of that said, I thought you also might be interested to know that you’re a pioneer in more ways than one:

With today’s announcement, thousands of people in Pittsburgh are suddenly aware of the professional sports league known as the “NBA.”

So well done, my friend.

Best wishes,

Matt Sober

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Message from above

I am here today on behalf of the two bald eagles that have taken up residence in a large nest along a ridge top near Route 28. They have asked me to read the following statement:

Greetings, Homo sapiens.

First of all, we want to thank you all for the interest you’ve shown since the media first reported our presence in your community. Although we would have preferred that this information not be made public, we understand that a certain amount of attention comes with being part of a species that not long ago was on the verge of extinction, not to mention one that stands as America’s most enduring symbol of freedom. To have our menacing visage slapped across bumper stickers, T-shirts and pins declaring “Freedom isn’t free” is an honor we don’t take lightly.

That said, this is a wonderful place to live. We’ve got a breathtaking view, the fishing is great (direct flights to the Allegheny!), and the daily spectacle of the state police chasing down speeding drivers on Route 28 never gets old.
Privacy, however, has become a bit of an issue. While it’s flattering that so many of you continue to show up each day with your binoculars and long-range lenses to gawk at us from that vacant lot across the way, there are times when it can be a little intrusive. It would be nice, for example, to be able to tear the flesh off a still-breathing catfish without it being splashed across the front page of the newspaper the next day.

So we are compelled to ask that you please limit photographs to those times when we are outside of the nest. If you want to take pictures while we’re perched on a limb, soaring majestically above the treetops or even snatching an unsuspecting rodent from the side of the highway, OK.

Otherwise, we trust that you will respect our request for privacy. Because if there’s one thing more exciting than having two bald eagles nesting in such a populous area, it’s having two bald eagles maim a guy with a $3,000 camera.

— — — — —

For more utter nonsense, kindly visit http://www.facebook.com/MattSoberWriting.

A note about front-of-house operations

The last thing I want to hear the cranky Panera manager ask her teenage subordinate as I’m standing in line waiting for coffee in the morning is “Did you the clean the bathrooms?”

“And the stalls too?”

Marketing copy

I’d like to think this website bio turned out so well because I took the time to familiarize myself with the product beforehand.

Like a lot of college students, Paul Fryman developed a true appreciation for beer during his four years on campus at Allegheny College in Meadville, Pa.

Unlike a lot of college students, the Ohio native wasn’t satisfied with merely consuming it in large quantities.

He had bigger ideas.

He wanted to brew it.

It was after spending a semester abroad in Germany — where beer-making is a centuries-old art form — that Paul decided to dedicate his senior thesis to the impact of microbreweries on the American beer industry.

Well, the thesis was brilliant, Paul earned his degree, and it finally came time to head out into the world and make a living.

Brewing beer, naturally.

​He started at Great Divide Brewing in Denver.

Then he moved to Lake Placid, N.Y., to join the team at Great Adirondack Brewing.

Before long, though, he was back out West — Jackson Hole, Wyo., to be specific, where he mixed hops and grain for Snake River Brewing.

But then Great Adirondack called. They needed a head brewer, and so Paul headed back East.

Thousands of miles and thousands of barrels later, he finally returned home to Wooster in 2010 and opened JAFB.

After all, the people of Wooster, Ohio, deserve great beer too.

WANTED: Competent job-description writer (no rabies required)

From “jobs” that don’t “pay” to “internships” with “blogs” offering only the promise of “great exposure,” Craigslist is where shameless hucksters with poor business models go to prey on starving writers.

The irony of someone who can’t spell offering a writer $9 an hour is, well, sorta depressing.

But this?

This is transcendent.

Possibly even performance art.

Anyway, I imagine if there actually is a Steelers fan out there who’s suffering with rabies, he’s probably got far greater concerns on his rapidly deteriorating mind.

Concerns like drooling. Concerns like convulsions.

Concerns like a series of painful shots showing the Harbaughs on the sidelines Sunday.

Tweets / 1.23.13

Tonight’s minutes:

11:55: I almost just died a very strange death: choking on baked beans

11:42: “No Surprises.” Think that’s my cue. #Lullaby

11:40: Sometimes it’s just like “Dang angry guy on the TV. Maybe just chill out for a little while.”

11:21: “That tiger didn’t go crazy. That tiger went tiger.” #ChrisRock #SiegfriedAndRoy

11:11: I’m pretty much comfortable with being hit on by gay guys at this point.

11:06: If I had any chocolate in this house its life would be in jeopardy right now.

11:04: Not to change the subject but can you believe that Manti Te’o story?

11:02: This Thom Yorke is gonna make a name for himself someday.

10:57: It goes without saying I could really go for some pizza at this point.

10:55: It’s kind of like spin the bottle, without the kissing and spinning bottle.

10:53: “Exit Music (For a Film)” is a gorgeous nightmare of a song. #Radiohead

10:50: Have you ever been to a seance?

10:35: Radiohead would make GREAT seance music.

10:25 Hmmm … so I think now would be a pretty good time to play Radiohead.

10:14 RT @richarddeitsch “Class action lawsuit filed against Lance Armstrong by those who bought his books and want $$” I need to get in on this.

10:07 RT @nytimes “Economist says cats should be eliminated from New Zealand.” That economist isn’t going to be very popular on Facebook.

10:05 I don’t care if long underwear aren’t sexy.

Heath Miller: Antonio Brown blew the game

Steelers tight end Heath Miller was uncharacteristically outspoken after Sunday’s 27-24 overtime loss to the Dallas Cowboys, placing the blame squarely on wide receiver Antonio Brown.

“It was Antonio’s fault we lost. No question about,” said Miller, who had seven catches for 92 yards and a touchdown. “Not to point fingers or anything.”

Miller: “I block. I catch passes. Apparently I need to start returning punts too.”

The comments stunned reporters, who are accustomed to an expressionless Miller mumbling meaningless platitudes, regardless of a game’s outcome. But when asked to clarify, the eight-year veteran did not back down.

“Let’s face it: He made a lot of boneheaded plays out there today, but that fumble on the long punt return was a killer. Even when he does something right, he screws it up,” Miller said, shaking his head in disgust.

In addition to the fumble that ultimately allowed the Cowboys to tie the score at 24, Brown’s fourth-quarter meltdown included his failure to field a punt, thereby costing the Steelers precious field position, and allowing the Cowboys to preserve a timeout by running out of bounds after a third-down reception in the closing minutes.

Prior to that, the third-year receiver was having a productive game. He finished with eight catches for 76 yards, including a seven-yard touchdown that he managed to score without running into the endzone backward.

Brown said he hasn’t lost confidence, adding that he still feels like he’s “capable of making something exciting happen every time I touch the ball, even if it’s for the other team.”

Meanwhile, with a must-win game looming next week against Cincinnati, Miller shot down the notion that it will be important to stick together.

“I know I’m supposed to stand here and say ‘Ah, well, you win as a team and lose as a team, blah blah blah.’ But that’s bull. In case you didn’t notice, I was basically unstoppable out there today.”

Rashard Mendenhall’s Top 10 Excuses for Blowing Off Sunday’s Game

Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall has been suspended for failing to join the team Sunday at Heinz Field after learning he would be inactive.

The mercurial fifth-year player out of Illinois is in the final year of his contract and is not expected to return.

Sometimes he’s not all there.

With that in mind — not to mention his reputation as a total space cadet — here are Rashard Mendenhall’s Top 10 Excuses for Blowing Off Sunday’s Game:

10) “It was my yoga instructor’s last class and I wanted to say goodbye.”

9) “Coincidentally, I was busy putting the finishing touches on an essay about rising tensions between North Korea and South Carolina.”

8) “We’re all gonna die in 10 days anyway.”

7) “It’s not like I killed anybody.”

6) “I thought games against San Diego were at 4:15.”

5) “It’s all part of my plan to become the next Ricky Williams.”

4) “Dropped my keys in the toilet just as I was getting ready to leave. Slipped right outta my hands.”

3) “I was sad.”

2) “Figured I’d get a sick day in before the end of the year.”

1) “The important thing is the guys went out and won the game without me … The guys did go out and win the game without me, right?

As coaching rumors swirl, Pitt AD embraces up-tempo interview process

With speculation about the possible departure of first-year head coach Paul Chryst, Pitt athletic director Steve Pederson is being proactive, ordering the installation of revolving doors at the football team’s South Side practice facility.

“Look. I’ve had the opportunity to meet a lot of football coaches during the past 24 months,” Pederson said. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you continually need to upgrade your facilities. And we think this positions us to be a major factor in the NCAA’s coaching carousel, both now and in the long term.”

Pederson said the revolving doors will enhance the university’s ability to bring in top coaches — then quickly shuffle them right back out the door nine to 12 months later.

“This will allow us to be significantly more efficient in our annual search for a football coach. Should Coach Chryst do the logical thing and bolt for more money and greater prestige at Wisconsin, we’ll be able to usher far more candidates in and out of the building during the chaotic days that follow, as we frantically search for the next man to further tarnish my professional reputation and embarrass this once-proud program.”

Pederson added that the entrance to the facility will be renamed in honor of a former coach who made an indelible impression during his time in Pittsburgh.

“We can think of no better tribute to Coach (Todd) Graham. ‘High octane’ wasn’t just a way of playing football for him. It was a career plan.”

Spot on

I often imagine that people on the sidewalk are watching in awe as I parallel park.

The decisiveness.

The cool nonchalance.

The deft maneuvering.

The ruthless efficiency of motion.

It’s truly something to behold. To be honest, I’m surprised more people don’t approach for an autograph as I step out of the car.

“Ladies, ladies — relax. There’s plenty of me to go around.”

Parallel parking, as I see it, is almost entirely mental; most people psych themselves out before even trying, effectively condemning them to a lifetime of parking several blocks from their destinations.

Or worse.

Paying to park in a garage.

I presume it’s got something to do with operating the vehicle in reverse — ooh, scary — even if just for a few seconds.

But to me, driving in reverse is really no different from driving forward, except you’re going backward instead.

Besides, what do you think bumpers are for?

Like some kind of low-speed adrenaline junkie, it’s gotten to the point that I seek out opportunities to showboat a little — maybe an impossibly small space between two hulking pickups that lesser drivers wouldn’t dare attempt to negotiate, or even a situation where the slightest miscalculation could lead to disaster.

A few months ago, during a lovely summer evening in a bustling city neighborhood, I noticed a spot along a street where about a dozen people were enjoying some al fresco dining at a Thai restaurant.

I brought my vehicle to an abrupt halt, accelerated in reverse, then veered the back end of my Mazda toward the terrified diners before cutting the wheel at the last instant and effortlessly claiming those 13 feet of pavement as my own.

“Don’t worry, ma’am. Everything’s under control. Your tofu summer rolls were never in any danger.”